Power Love
Contained within the vast array of human existence lies something that has confounded man since the beginning of recorded time; the marriage relationship. Humans are unique among earth’s living creatures. One of the grandest attributes we are endowed with is the ability to self-fulfill our dreams and desires, to become what we choose and attempt to manifest ideas, having been created with the ability to accomplish these things. But, like with all good things, choice sometimes comes with dire consequence.
The relationships we choose, how we choose to operate within them, and why we choose them, especially marriage (primarily Western civilization) can become deeply perplexing enigmas. No relationship is free from its difficulty. Conflicts ultimately arise in any bond. In the marriage relationship, these are greatly magnified.
Marriage is but one of the many relationship options we have in this life, and it is the most difficult to understand, especially by men. Men and women simply have different priorities in marriage, in particular at the spirit and emotional level. There are exceptions, but most often the two sexes see things with differing eyes.
With today’s current litigation concerning gay marriage, some may question my use of man and woman here. I understand. However, my experience and education rests in the traditional marriage. In addition, a good part of this article will address the primary differences between men and women. Therefore, I am unable, not unwilling, to address the gay marriage relationship. But, in all relationships there are some basic principals that, when applied with a heart-felt motivation result in a growing union and bond.
There are a plethora of opinions and standard functions concerning the marriage bond. Differing faiths and religions certainly carry, and in some cases dictate, these functions. Geographical cultures from around the globe vary greatly as to marriage and in many cases the courtship process as well. All of these traditions should be honored. But still, there are basic and primary principals that when applied offer significant benefit. These do not take away from tradition; they build upon it, and in my opinion, add bricks of gold.
Knowing the Unknowable
Men have maligned the way a woman thinks and feels for generations, and in so doing have missed out on life-changing growth for themselves and their relationships. The claim by most men is that a woman’s thoughts and feelings are impossible to understand or figure out. They are not. Difficult, yes; impossible no. Strangely, the difficulty in understanding a woman has little to do with her, and most to do with men. Yet, men tend to project all of the difficulty onto women. This projection only adds to the delusion that women are responsible for men’s lack of understanding them.
Although there are many distinct and clear differences between men and women, they are primarily rooted in emotion. Women feel more, more deeply, in more color, and more empathetically than men as a general rule. This is not a great secret. However, it is greatly ignored by men. The irony is that men tend to ignore feelings because they do not want to feel, yet this action creates and deepens other feelings. This ignorance of emotions sadly begins with birth and becomes a handicap with time.
Because women are more apt to use both hemispheres of the brain simultaneously, they are far more “connected” human beings. Men are not created with this capability at birth. So, in short, they are more adapted to linear and logical thinking, rather than emotionally driven. It is not that women are left without this capability, not by any means. To their great fortune, women are capable of logical thought and emotion (thinking and feeling) at the same time. This mixture is so completely foreign to men that it is simply shrugged off as something far too difficult to understand. This actually makes men the less developed of the species.
This canyon of separation is the root of most marital difficulty. But, the canyon can be bridged with some effort and understanding on the part of men. This undertaking requires discipline and commitment but is followed by great reward.
Marriage is difficult in the best of situations. The issues that come with marriage are infinite, and each carry a level of complexity and variability that can sometimes boggle the mind and heart. Here are a few. Consider these and how each can vary with intensity in marriage.
• Adjustment to living together
• In-laws
• Intimacy
• Money
• Complete Honesty (transparency)
• Personal Habits
• Children
• Punctuality
• Faith-based Pursuit and Activity
• Toilet Paper Installation
• Snoring
• Affairs or Attractions (emotional or sexual)
• Work Habits
• Aging (and all that comes with it)
• Responsibilities Around the Home
• Holidays
• Death of a Child or Parent
Take a moment to consider just a few of these. None of the items mentioned are dealt with on a one-time basis. And each is complex in nature each and every time it arises. The psychology behind the differences and disagreements is not explained here. There are a plethora of books, magazines, counselors, and talk show hosts that will cover that. Let’s here look at one item and one item only – emotions.
The greatest dilutor of the angst created in marriage by the above issues and more, is a husband who seeks to understand his wife at an emotional and spiritual level. Of course, this is the one thing men have always claimed to be impossible. But it is not.
Men spend huge amounts of time, money, and effort on such things as learning a new golf swing, understanding automobiles and other toys, physical fitness, and more. Little time, comparatively speaking, is spent on truly getting to know our wives where they are most functional – their emotions. Husband, committed men, ask yourself why this is. The benefits to knowing your wife deeply far outweigh the benefits of a new golf swing.
Why the Difficulty?
Intimacy, not a sexual form, but a completely transparent lifestyle, especially in marriage, is horrendously difficult for men. Learning from early on, men stifle and hide themselves in an attempt to be what society calls for. Success measured by wealth, love measured by sexual conquest, children measured by perfection, lifestyles measured by cost, are only some of what men strive for. None of which bring soulful satisfaction. None of which a woman uses to measure a man, primarily. Yet, men have installed these drives and utilized them for years and for generations.
Epochs of misguided social structure and convention have dictated males should avoid showing emotion, therefore precluding any understanding of what they are feeling and why. If men do not understand their own emotions and related causes, they will never be able to understand a woman’s. This is the great challenge for men and marriage.
Full Commitment
Where did the idea of a fifty-fifty commitment in marriage come from? If this is an accurate and reasonable expectation, how would it be measured? The complexities of such measurement are insurmountable. It just cannot be done. Sure, chores and some basic responsibilities can be divided, seemingly equally. But, effort cannot be measured, nor can felt love, or how attention is given. To do this, a measurement of motivation and heart would need to be analyzed as well, which is impossible. There are simply far too many variables for a marriage to be fifty-fifty.
The only reasonable expectation is a one-hundred percent commitment on the part of the individual. A wife will be the first to do so but, as soon as her husband is found lacking, a wife’s commitment will begin to fade; slowly but assuredly. When a husband is fully committed, unconditionally, the wife will soon rise again to a one-hundred percent commitment.
By commitment, or the lack of, I am not necessarily talking about the marital affair. I am speaking of matters of the heart first; the desire to give one’s self fully to another out of joy, not obligation. Affairs do appear in marriages, we all know that. They do, however, take time to develop, and will do so as a symptom only, not as a first function.
Men are by nature defensive creatures. They are also inherently competitive. These attributes help to create much of the marital disharmony. What will be helpful for men to understand is that they do not need to be defensive, and their idea of winning is really a path to slowly losing. When a wife expresses a concern to a husband, at least in the beginning stages, it is not to nag, point fingers, or win a battle. These concerns, complaints, or questions, come from a place inside of her that is spirit and emotion driven.
A wife desires to build a marriage, not tear down. A husband tends to build walls of isolation, creating what I call a “sandcastle life”.
Sandcastle Life
From my book, Life in Poetry and Prose
Laboring strong all the days of his life,
he builds his castle, but fills it with strife.
Towering high, above all those below,
peering over the land, his father bestowed.
Barren and empty are acres of field;
his spirit so damaged, yet not willing to yield.
Surrounding his castle lays a great moat,
holding at bay those he wants close.
A functioning drawbridge placed in the wall,
has never been opened and never will fall.
Each moment inside him, a midnight so dark;
a journey so needed, but he fears to embark.
The building continues, on his castle so grand;
covering his pain, he works with his hands.
Aching inside, yet avoiding his truth,
a lonely path he’s traversed, beginning with youth.
Leading to nowhere but lost and alone,
he bends to continue, as he adds one more stone.
Seeing his work, brings tears to my eyes;
wasting his labor, decaying his life.
The towers grow higher, but empty they are;
his spirit so lonely, so damaged and scarred.
Building and dreaming he hopes they arrive,
but alone he will live in his sandcastle life.
Tools
Here are some tools for change and growth. Before men will be able to effectively apply any of these, though, a true desire to become unconditionally committed to the process of change is necessary. Without it, success will be incomplete at best.
1. Loose all defensive attitude and behavior – all of it. There is absolutely no good that will come from being defensive. Truth will always surface regardless of what you say or what attitudes you carry. The best example of this is the man Jesus. He was accused, ridiculed, beaten, and scourged and he never uttered a defensive word (according to history and biblical accounts). Engaging in defensiveness, especially within a marriage, will only lead to suspicion, or at minimum, a wife who feels a husband is not hearing her.
When a husband commits to the process of eliminating defensive actions and then attitudes, his wife will draw closer to him in her heart. In time she will become more attentive, loving, and more deeply committed to him. A wife will feel free to share her heart-felt feelings safely and without ridicule. A husband will be rewarded with honor.
2. Become transparent as glass. Again, becoming transparent and completely honest is difficult for men, especially with wives. Men want to be seen as sturdy and strong, the confident hero. In truth, though, men are vulnerable creatures only covered in self- created scales of armor. This armor should be removed, set aside, and ultimately destroyed. It only serves as a barrier to true intimacy in a marriage.
In her spirit, a wife will always sense when a man is being evasive or less than honest. This sense she has will grind at her and cause her to question more, either within herself, or to her husband. If a husband is still being defensive, or closed, he will create more strife in the marriage. This cycle continues until one day the marriage is ice cold or completely dissolved.
The amazing thing is a wife will accept a man’s openness. She wants his heart completely, in whatever shape it is in. She is created to be of help to her husband and is willing to do so in nearly any circumstance or situation, as long as he is sharing is true heart openly.
3. A man must get to know his own emotions and what causes them. This will take time and a lot of effort. Men spend a lifetime stuffing their emotions away and in most cases have no clue as to their existence, truth, or cause. Furthermore, they do not know what to properly do with them once they begin to feel them. This tool is the most difficult to become comfortable with for men.
One of the best methods for a man to more deeply uncover and understand his emotions is to keep an honest journal. A simple documenting of the days events and what affects they cause will naturally move a man to a deeper understanding of the emotional state of being.
The next step is for the man to begin sharing some of the feelings he experiences, along with their causes, with his wife. If this is done honestly, the wife will move closer and closer to her husband. This is in part for two primary reasons. One, the wife will begin to see his heart and she will feel her husband is trusting her with it. Two, the wife will feel the husband is now more capable of understanding her at this level, which is her primary level of functioning.
Once a man is in touch with his own feelings, he will naturally understand his wife at a greater level. When this occurs, the dynamics of the entire marriage and relationship are elevated to new heights. An unimaginable bond emerges and a connection of two spirits is welded firmly together.
This is what men and women truly want from their marriage. We choose our relationships. We have the power to manifest the beauty within them. It is within our ability to do so. We are all created with this ability.
Men, lose the armor, drop the facade, be real with your wife. You will be loved for it. You will become your wife’s fantasy man.
Christian Schaal
www.christianschaal.com
Christian@christianschaal.com
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Trinity of Despair
Trinity of Despair
There is far too much grief in this world, and most of it is unnecessary. Some believe grief and discord stem from an evil in our midst. Although I agree there is evil, I also believe the reasons for the existence of grief and discord are rooted in other areas I will explain. However, a case can be made, and will be by some, that all bad things are rooted in the great evil that roams our earth; that being the devil, itself. Nevertheless, let’s create and join in, a focus of matters we can easily take hold of and conquer in the hope of eliminating our own portion of grief – both that we dole out, and receive.
First, there is the element of personal judgment and projection of negative feelings. I use both of these in the same sentence because I believe they are essentially coupled with one another.
Second, is the fact we tend to serve our own ego, which we create subconsciously using so many levels of falsehood. This leads us to participate in both the above (judgment and projection), as well as seeking things that ultimately cause us more harm than good.
Third, and finally, is the imbalance we create in our life by seeking joy and completeness from outside sources rather than from within. These outside sources are things, desires, or other people; none of which will ultimately solidify joy within you.
Judgment and Projection
As stated above, I believe these two are tightly coupled, intertwined even. We spew both judgment and projection onto others from a place inside us that needs some adjustment. All of us carry scars, wounds, and pains from living life. These sometimes leave us empty, hurt, sad, lonely, guilty, and wanting. Empty, because we may have never received the unconditional love we should have as a child. Hurt, because we feel we have been abused, or treated unfairly in life. We may be sad because we have hurt others, either intentionally or unintentionally during the course of our life. Loneliness may fill part of us because of a death, divorce, or geographical move that has occurred in our life. We may be plagued with guilt (so many of us are) for any number of reasons – too many to count for most (although much is unnecessary). Many of us may feel a deep wanting within caused by simple desires such as a new car or a new wardrobe. Deeper levels of wanting may arise from the desire for a true love, or healing from disease.
All of these are very real experiences and feelings, and cannot simply be put off or put away. They are in each of us to varying degrees and combinations, and carry with them real effects to our consciousness. How we react to these feelings however is fundamental to how we treat others, which is the major point of this article.
At different times we are all fueled by one or more of the above emotions to cause pain (grief and discord) to another. We mostly do this in a deep subconscious form. For example, during a period after my divorce, I was hurt and deeply sad. Divorce is not something I ever wanted, not even when we entered into it. Because of my sadness and hurt, along with the feeling of being a complete failure, I hurt others. Some I lashed out at, some I blamed, some were hurt by my absolute expulsion from their life; I just stopped communicating. Without going into detail, I caused pain to others because of how I felt. Most of this was done at a subconscious level, and I only now see clearly what I did, because there has been much healing. Some of what I did certainly was conscious, and I regret it. But, I no longer feel guilty. In its simplest form, I projected my negativity onto others.
I am not one who judges people. One of the valuable lessons I have learned in life is when we judge we usually end up in the same shoes of those we judge. In addition, I have made many mistakes in my own life; I am in no position to judge another. However, so many people do judge others. It is sad to see, because they are doing so from a place of pain or disappointment in their own life. These are the ones I most often feel the need to help.
If you feel judgment of another brewing inside you, consider this – MOTIVATION. Train your mind to flash in bright red letters – MOTIVATION. Why someone does something, acts a certain way, or even commits a crime, is always based on MOTIVATION. We rarely know or understand just what that motivation for them may be. But, be assured it is there.
Someone may steal because he has a sick child at home and is in true in need. He may be without a job and desperate. The bible teaches that stealing is wrong. However, it also teaches that he who steals because he (or his family) is hungry shall not be punished. But, when he is able, he shall repay seven-fold.
It is critically important we do all we can to end our judgment of others. This will not only help in creating a better society, but just as important, ending judgment of others will create more joy in our own life. Ending our search for fault in others will also bring more self-fulfillment and peace to our personal.
Ego
A full expose on the ego would be far too much for here. Therefore, a cursory explanation is all I will provide. I believe you will still find it useful.
Ego is something we create every moment of our existence. It is extremely difficult not to do so. Ego is literally the ghost of who we are, translucent and void of real substance. Over time, and through each experience, we develop this ghost, which gives us a false perception of who we really are.
Much of our self-perception comes from the Ego. This is a problem because, as stated above, the ego is lacking any real substance. It is self-created and self-serving. In contrast, our spirit, the core of who we really are, defines us with much more reality and substance. The battle between the two will be constant until the ego is eliminated from our psyche. This elimination process is one of the more difficult things in life to undertake. Success is complicated, but well worth the effort.
It is important to remember that ego is always self-serving. The greater the ego, the more narcissistic we become; and we most often do not realize the state we are in. In addition to being self-serving, the ego is self-protective. The ego will do all in its power to protect itself, even to the harm of self and others.
An example of this would be the ego, and relating narcissism, causing us to feel we are superior to another or others. The reasons for this feeling are irrelevant but can be many. Carrying this deeply rooted sense will cause us to judge and project, as explained above. This, in turn, tends to keep us from any real and intimate relationships. The feeling of superiority precludes us from becoming transparent and close with another. Ironically, the lack of intimate relationships brings us greater dissatisfaction in life. We are each created to connect with others. This is a true need and if it is not fulfilled in our life, we develop a feeling of emptiness and want. This cycle is a vicious one and can be avoided only to the level and degree we eliminate ego.
The creation of ego begins at birth and continues throughout life unchecked until we actively pursue its elimination. No life is perfect, and each is filled with difficult moments and circumstance. These moments are building blocks for the ego.
My own personal experience with ego is the opposite of the example above. During my early years, I felt insufficient in many ways. My being the oldest of four children, likely caused this. A vicious cycle began in my own life. At an early age, as far back as I remember, I sought unnecessary approval of all those I came in contact with. My ego told me I was never good enough. This clearly is not God’s view of me, but It became my own.
In order to gain the approval I thought I required, I did or said whatever necessary, often acting inappropriately to gain attention. In doing so, I created in others further reason to treat me in ways that caused deeper feelings of inadequacy. Felt desperation caused me to act out even more. This cycle continued through my adolescence and a large part of my adult years creating a life of great difficulty for me.
Ego is not only an inflated view some hold of themselves. Ego does not always bring a haughty attitude, yet it always drives our actions, whether in an over-inflated view or, antithetically, a lower than normal view of ourselves. Either way, it is a misperception of self and a deficient way of living.
Returning to the primary point, ego drives us to bring discord and grief to others. In my case, my parents and children suffered most. So, eliminating ego from our life, however difficult (and it is difficult), will have the opposite affect on those around us. When we choose to live in a healthy way, driven by our core spirit rather than ego, we will undoubtedly bring joy and peace to those around us, and to ourselves.
Ego is a topic for which much can be said. For now, though, I trust you are enlightened to this ghost within you.
Seeking Outside Ourselves
I note here that I do not consider God an outside source, since I believe God is intertwined with our total being. Therefore, God, in my view, is an internal source of completeness and joy.
This attribute is the most dangerous. When we seek completeness or joy from outside sources, we rarely find what we are looking for, if at all.
We each carry levels of unhappiness, bitterness, and incompleteness, and often times we simply do not have the tools or know-how to settle these feelings from our own core. So, we turn to outside sources believing and desperately hoping for the ultimate escape or resolution.
This attribute, more than the previous two, causes enormous grief and discord. Leading to things such as attacking others, crime, addictions of all sorts, and more, this seeking from outside must be reversed with immediacy.
What do you feel most when you see a drug addicted teen? Or, even an adult. Typically, judgment will enter into your thinking, as discussed and dealt with above. It is far more profitable to ask the following questions. Why is it that this person is addicted? How did he begin on this path? What occurred in his life that drove him to such a destructive place?
People sometimes go through horrendous pain and suffering at the hands of others or circumstances they did not create. Undoubtedly, levels of maturity are required to find healing and resolution from within. But, for certain, resolution, healing, or completeness, will never come from destructive behaviors.
Those of us who are older, and sometimes wiser, are required (in my view) to guide the younger and less wise of us. There is no escaping this responsibility if we are to live in a world of peace and growth. We simply cannot pass by those who are in need, in a physical or metaphorical sense, and expect the world to be a better place for any of us. We will simply spiral downward into a darker and more distant existence. Truth be stated, none of us wants this.
Moving from external to internal seeking requires a great level of motivation, encouragement, guidance, or skill. It is something that can take years to accomplish and includes many steps. The first step is coming foundationally to the point of knowing you are a thing of beauty and value. Moving to this place is itself an exceptionally difficult thing to do, but it can be done.
Each person on this earth is a thing of complex beauty; an amazing creature of incomprehensible construction. We are all endowed with a spirit of love and desire to do well, both for ourselves and for others. Only an exceptional few lack the latter and I believe even they ultimately can be helped. Realizing what wonderful creatures we are and discovering the truth of what it is and means to be human, is a great place to start. This fact places us all on a level playing field. No man is greater than another at the true foundation of who we are. We are all equal in our human construction.
Since this is true, we can start by leading others to this knowledge. In doing so, we move to the beginning of understanding that our completeness is found first in who we are, not in any outside person, place, or thing.
Conclusion
I hold great hope, yet no illusions, that in time, we will find greater peace and less grief and discord among us. My life to a great degree, and with my hope, is designed to be a small part in this change.
This article by no means provides a panacea for change. However, if the above is taken seriously and applied, change will be affected in our own life, and by pollination, those lives we touch.
No miracle tools are provided; no effort is being removed from the individual. These are only some brief thoughts and truths. One of the difficult things in life to do is self-analyze. Let me encourage you to do so, beginning now. Are you affected by any of the above three distinctions? My feeling is, yes. In part, we all are. Discover which it is, and take the challenge to deal with it properly. Bring peace to yourself and to a slice of humanity as well. You will find great joy as you undertake this journey.
Christian Schaal
For further dialogue contact me using the below information.
www.christianschaal.com
www.meetingthegodofamerica.com
Christian@christianschaal.com
There is far too much grief in this world, and most of it is unnecessary. Some believe grief and discord stem from an evil in our midst. Although I agree there is evil, I also believe the reasons for the existence of grief and discord are rooted in other areas I will explain. However, a case can be made, and will be by some, that all bad things are rooted in the great evil that roams our earth; that being the devil, itself. Nevertheless, let’s create and join in, a focus of matters we can easily take hold of and conquer in the hope of eliminating our own portion of grief – both that we dole out, and receive.
First, there is the element of personal judgment and projection of negative feelings. I use both of these in the same sentence because I believe they are essentially coupled with one another.
Second, is the fact we tend to serve our own ego, which we create subconsciously using so many levels of falsehood. This leads us to participate in both the above (judgment and projection), as well as seeking things that ultimately cause us more harm than good.
Third, and finally, is the imbalance we create in our life by seeking joy and completeness from outside sources rather than from within. These outside sources are things, desires, or other people; none of which will ultimately solidify joy within you.
Judgment and Projection
As stated above, I believe these two are tightly coupled, intertwined even. We spew both judgment and projection onto others from a place inside us that needs some adjustment. All of us carry scars, wounds, and pains from living life. These sometimes leave us empty, hurt, sad, lonely, guilty, and wanting. Empty, because we may have never received the unconditional love we should have as a child. Hurt, because we feel we have been abused, or treated unfairly in life. We may be sad because we have hurt others, either intentionally or unintentionally during the course of our life. Loneliness may fill part of us because of a death, divorce, or geographical move that has occurred in our life. We may be plagued with guilt (so many of us are) for any number of reasons – too many to count for most (although much is unnecessary). Many of us may feel a deep wanting within caused by simple desires such as a new car or a new wardrobe. Deeper levels of wanting may arise from the desire for a true love, or healing from disease.
All of these are very real experiences and feelings, and cannot simply be put off or put away. They are in each of us to varying degrees and combinations, and carry with them real effects to our consciousness. How we react to these feelings however is fundamental to how we treat others, which is the major point of this article.
At different times we are all fueled by one or more of the above emotions to cause pain (grief and discord) to another. We mostly do this in a deep subconscious form. For example, during a period after my divorce, I was hurt and deeply sad. Divorce is not something I ever wanted, not even when we entered into it. Because of my sadness and hurt, along with the feeling of being a complete failure, I hurt others. Some I lashed out at, some I blamed, some were hurt by my absolute expulsion from their life; I just stopped communicating. Without going into detail, I caused pain to others because of how I felt. Most of this was done at a subconscious level, and I only now see clearly what I did, because there has been much healing. Some of what I did certainly was conscious, and I regret it. But, I no longer feel guilty. In its simplest form, I projected my negativity onto others.
I am not one who judges people. One of the valuable lessons I have learned in life is when we judge we usually end up in the same shoes of those we judge. In addition, I have made many mistakes in my own life; I am in no position to judge another. However, so many people do judge others. It is sad to see, because they are doing so from a place of pain or disappointment in their own life. These are the ones I most often feel the need to help.
If you feel judgment of another brewing inside you, consider this – MOTIVATION. Train your mind to flash in bright red letters – MOTIVATION. Why someone does something, acts a certain way, or even commits a crime, is always based on MOTIVATION. We rarely know or understand just what that motivation for them may be. But, be assured it is there.
Someone may steal because he has a sick child at home and is in true in need. He may be without a job and desperate. The bible teaches that stealing is wrong. However, it also teaches that he who steals because he (or his family) is hungry shall not be punished. But, when he is able, he shall repay seven-fold.
It is critically important we do all we can to end our judgment of others. This will not only help in creating a better society, but just as important, ending judgment of others will create more joy in our own life. Ending our search for fault in others will also bring more self-fulfillment and peace to our personal.
Ego
A full expose on the ego would be far too much for here. Therefore, a cursory explanation is all I will provide. I believe you will still find it useful.
Ego is something we create every moment of our existence. It is extremely difficult not to do so. Ego is literally the ghost of who we are, translucent and void of real substance. Over time, and through each experience, we develop this ghost, which gives us a false perception of who we really are.
Much of our self-perception comes from the Ego. This is a problem because, as stated above, the ego is lacking any real substance. It is self-created and self-serving. In contrast, our spirit, the core of who we really are, defines us with much more reality and substance. The battle between the two will be constant until the ego is eliminated from our psyche. This elimination process is one of the more difficult things in life to undertake. Success is complicated, but well worth the effort.
It is important to remember that ego is always self-serving. The greater the ego, the more narcissistic we become; and we most often do not realize the state we are in. In addition to being self-serving, the ego is self-protective. The ego will do all in its power to protect itself, even to the harm of self and others.
An example of this would be the ego, and relating narcissism, causing us to feel we are superior to another or others. The reasons for this feeling are irrelevant but can be many. Carrying this deeply rooted sense will cause us to judge and project, as explained above. This, in turn, tends to keep us from any real and intimate relationships. The feeling of superiority precludes us from becoming transparent and close with another. Ironically, the lack of intimate relationships brings us greater dissatisfaction in life. We are each created to connect with others. This is a true need and if it is not fulfilled in our life, we develop a feeling of emptiness and want. This cycle is a vicious one and can be avoided only to the level and degree we eliminate ego.
The creation of ego begins at birth and continues throughout life unchecked until we actively pursue its elimination. No life is perfect, and each is filled with difficult moments and circumstance. These moments are building blocks for the ego.
My own personal experience with ego is the opposite of the example above. During my early years, I felt insufficient in many ways. My being the oldest of four children, likely caused this. A vicious cycle began in my own life. At an early age, as far back as I remember, I sought unnecessary approval of all those I came in contact with. My ego told me I was never good enough. This clearly is not God’s view of me, but It became my own.
In order to gain the approval I thought I required, I did or said whatever necessary, often acting inappropriately to gain attention. In doing so, I created in others further reason to treat me in ways that caused deeper feelings of inadequacy. Felt desperation caused me to act out even more. This cycle continued through my adolescence and a large part of my adult years creating a life of great difficulty for me.
Ego is not only an inflated view some hold of themselves. Ego does not always bring a haughty attitude, yet it always drives our actions, whether in an over-inflated view or, antithetically, a lower than normal view of ourselves. Either way, it is a misperception of self and a deficient way of living.
Returning to the primary point, ego drives us to bring discord and grief to others. In my case, my parents and children suffered most. So, eliminating ego from our life, however difficult (and it is difficult), will have the opposite affect on those around us. When we choose to live in a healthy way, driven by our core spirit rather than ego, we will undoubtedly bring joy and peace to those around us, and to ourselves.
Ego is a topic for which much can be said. For now, though, I trust you are enlightened to this ghost within you.
Seeking Outside Ourselves
I note here that I do not consider God an outside source, since I believe God is intertwined with our total being. Therefore, God, in my view, is an internal source of completeness and joy.
This attribute is the most dangerous. When we seek completeness or joy from outside sources, we rarely find what we are looking for, if at all.
We each carry levels of unhappiness, bitterness, and incompleteness, and often times we simply do not have the tools or know-how to settle these feelings from our own core. So, we turn to outside sources believing and desperately hoping for the ultimate escape or resolution.
This attribute, more than the previous two, causes enormous grief and discord. Leading to things such as attacking others, crime, addictions of all sorts, and more, this seeking from outside must be reversed with immediacy.
What do you feel most when you see a drug addicted teen? Or, even an adult. Typically, judgment will enter into your thinking, as discussed and dealt with above. It is far more profitable to ask the following questions. Why is it that this person is addicted? How did he begin on this path? What occurred in his life that drove him to such a destructive place?
People sometimes go through horrendous pain and suffering at the hands of others or circumstances they did not create. Undoubtedly, levels of maturity are required to find healing and resolution from within. But, for certain, resolution, healing, or completeness, will never come from destructive behaviors.
Those of us who are older, and sometimes wiser, are required (in my view) to guide the younger and less wise of us. There is no escaping this responsibility if we are to live in a world of peace and growth. We simply cannot pass by those who are in need, in a physical or metaphorical sense, and expect the world to be a better place for any of us. We will simply spiral downward into a darker and more distant existence. Truth be stated, none of us wants this.
Moving from external to internal seeking requires a great level of motivation, encouragement, guidance, or skill. It is something that can take years to accomplish and includes many steps. The first step is coming foundationally to the point of knowing you are a thing of beauty and value. Moving to this place is itself an exceptionally difficult thing to do, but it can be done.
Each person on this earth is a thing of complex beauty; an amazing creature of incomprehensible construction. We are all endowed with a spirit of love and desire to do well, both for ourselves and for others. Only an exceptional few lack the latter and I believe even they ultimately can be helped. Realizing what wonderful creatures we are and discovering the truth of what it is and means to be human, is a great place to start. This fact places us all on a level playing field. No man is greater than another at the true foundation of who we are. We are all equal in our human construction.
Since this is true, we can start by leading others to this knowledge. In doing so, we move to the beginning of understanding that our completeness is found first in who we are, not in any outside person, place, or thing.
Conclusion
I hold great hope, yet no illusions, that in time, we will find greater peace and less grief and discord among us. My life to a great degree, and with my hope, is designed to be a small part in this change.
This article by no means provides a panacea for change. However, if the above is taken seriously and applied, change will be affected in our own life, and by pollination, those lives we touch.
No miracle tools are provided; no effort is being removed from the individual. These are only some brief thoughts and truths. One of the difficult things in life to do is self-analyze. Let me encourage you to do so, beginning now. Are you affected by any of the above three distinctions? My feeling is, yes. In part, we all are. Discover which it is, and take the challenge to deal with it properly. Bring peace to yourself and to a slice of humanity as well. You will find great joy as you undertake this journey.
Christian Schaal
For further dialogue contact me using the below information.
www.christianschaal.com
www.meetingthegodofamerica.com
Christian@christianschaal.com
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